Written with: iPhone XR | Touchscreen keyboard | Notes | iOS 15
I haven't been blogging quite as often as I hoped, but I'm not doing too badly all things considered. One issue is that I haven't had that much in the way of Intelligent Commentary on my mind. I feel like I set a heavy precedent for myself by pouring my biggest thoughts on blogging and internet communication into my first two posts. But like I said in one of those very posts, part of the appeal of blogging is that expectations are low; not everything has to be a well considered thesis, and a blog could be updated as frequently or infrequently as the blogger likes. Why not add some variety to my page by writing something more casual, less intellectual? It beats tweeting it out.
It's been an...interesting couple weeks, mental health-wise. Although the past few weeks have been a remarkably peaceful period compared to the latter half of the year, I think the stress of mounting life events finally got to me, causing some really weird, panic-inducing physical symptoms early last week. Have you ever tried to yawn, but failed to get the full yawn out? Or tried to take a deep breath, and found that you can't quite reach the depth your body wants? It's called dyspnea, or "air hunger", a symptom linked to all sorts of physical and mental conditions, and I had multiple hours-long attacks of that. It felt like being constantly on the verge of a panic attack, but just barely maintaining control...it was very scary.
After multiple doctor visits I'm relatively confident that things are fine physically speaking. But it was made clear, through direct advice and just through the experience in general, that I needed to allow myself to slow down and be at ease more often. Easier said than done, you might think, but getting such a confronting wakeup call to that fact actually helped a lot. I've been less harsh on myself, less strict with how I spend my precious free time. So far, I find I'm doing things I got out of the habit of for months, out of the misguided fear that I "didn't have enough time": spending long weekend hours calling online friends, playing silly video games, going on long walks when the mood unexpectedly strikes. As a result I had a much more fulfilling, relaxing, and even productive weekend than I did a week prior.
I could say more about what this strange week has made me realise, but I feel like I've bared enough personal details for now. Furthermore, while I think I've learned some things from the experience, I don't have a concrete enough grasp on them to put them into words. I'm sure the words will come eventually, and they'll work their way into a future post. But for now, I'll let this post sit. I want to feel okay sharing something more spontaneous, not to mention personal, on here. Who knows if it will become a more frequent staple of my blog; who cares?
One more thing I suppose I'll briefly mention is that, as I implied earlier, I've been a bit more productive than usual. Maybe this change of mindset is what I needed to actually get some work done? Regardless, it's been a lot of fun. I put together some missing pieces for the pilot screenplay I'm trying to write, gathered some interesting research material, and even got enough of a grasp on the (still fairly embryonic) characters to write some dialogue. It's a fun, promising project, which I may or may not share more about here in future. Again, time will tell what I make of this site! But what I do know is that there's no point trying to force it into a strict shape. It's supposed to be a free space, adaptable to my whims and compulsions however they change.
See you in the next post! Also, I'll try to set up a comment section in the near future! It may be a Discord-linked webform so I can heavily moderate what shows on my page, but I haven't experimented enough to decide for sure yet. Love you!